My First Love

Before i get married to the man God had prepared for me and prepared me for, I thought I’d reminice on a different story, the story of my first love, this one instead of being a bollywood saga, read more like an old adventure/romance knights in shining amour scene.

I'm not sure exactly when I met Chris, he seems to have always been a part of my life in some way, shape or form. I vaguely remember seeing him around the end of my high school years. His friends idolized him; they sang his praises every time I heard from them. His father was some powerful high up person and seemed to run the world. I remember asking for the odd favor here and there through high school, mainly through his friends, I was always impressed that he'd take the time to help out whenever I needed it.

I finally actually recall really getting to know him in the first 3 years of uni, I fell in with people who knew him quite well and soon I was spending quite a bit of my free time with him, talking, complaining, crying etc. He was always there when I needed him, and as much as I could tell he wanted to spend increasing amounts together he was always happy to give me my space, even if he sometimes hated what I was doing. Soon I was in love, and what I couldn't believe was that someone like him actually noticed me let alone was in love with me too, I mean he was some rich, powerful heir, good looking, smart, funny. And for those that know what I was like back then I was a total mess, never looked after myself or my appearance, I never knew(still don't) what he saw in me, but he always complimented me, always told me I was beautiful, perfect, that he was ecstatic to have me in his life. Soon I actually took on those compliments and began to change to suit them; I became more aware of my appearance, my form, what I clothed myself with, I found myself growing to be increasingly like him, quick to help where I was needed, in tune to other’s needs. Given the amount of time I was spending with him I was adopted into his family as a surrogate, his father was amazing, he loved me even more then my own father did and was always there for me. Chris began discussing our future together, his vision for our life was thrilling, and he opened my eyes for to a whole host of possibilities. The life he planned was soooo exciting, filled with change, travel, adventure and most of all love; he was always going to be there with me every step of the way. By no means did he promise a smooth sailing, in fact he took pains to stress the opposite, that life was rough, that we’d have our fair share of troubles, but that we’d pull through together, I mean after all his father could do just about ANYTHING. I was ecstatic.

Then I started my clinical years at uni, the strange hours and constant change meant I was spending less and less time with Chris. I began to have doubts about how I was living, I mean I as young, there was soooo much in life to experience before I committed so totally to Chris, I never actually talked to him about all this but began to pull away slowly. He noticed of course, and I’d get frequent messages to say he missed me, that he wanted me back, that I’d be happy with him, Sometimes it’d be enough to have me running back, and sometimes I’d make up some excuse to continue in my own path, I was determined to make it on my own, to be happy in my own self before I committed to him fully, to achieve success so that I could bring something into the relationship, so I wasn’t so heavily reliant on him for everything.
Problem was the further I got from him the less I was happy, and the more I tried to find my happiness in increasingly uncharacteristic ways. I fell in with the wrong crowd and began dating someone else, when I did run into Chris (not infrequently) he’d always say that he was waiting, that he wouldn’t let me give up on us, that I’d only be happy with him. He was right, I could feel it in my soul, but I’d push it aside and continue on. After each failed attempt with my new love I’d come back, worse for wear, to Chris swearing that’s I’d be true this time, that I was ready to spend life with him regardless of what it held, that if he’d just have me I’d never quit on us again. And surprisingly the guy that didn’t actually need me, wanted me, rejoiced in having me back, restored me every time and gave me back all I’d lost whilst I was away, showered me with gifts, fine clothing, jewelry, paintings, flowers, intimate dates. Like I was worth something, like leaving him over and over never happened.
But I’d always go back to my old ways. I grew increasingly numb to everything, I wasn’t happy but couldn’t bring myself to face Chris, so I pushed on, dating one guy after the next, trying on each guys personality to see if it would fit me trying to MAKE it fit, thinking that if I just FOUND myself id be happy. Some of the guys were great on paper, they should technically have made me happy, but something was always missing, something that I knew I’d only have with Chris, who by that time could only get through to me intermittently and would only have the time to say he loved me, he wanted me back that he could make it all right. Problem is I wanted to make it right myself. I began to date people that I wouldn’t ordinarily even have been friends, lost whatever dignity I had left, soon became someone I’d never thought I’d be. Increasingly unhappy I turned to anything for a rush, sex, drugs etc, you name it. Of course nothing actually provided happiness, no relationship no latest thrill was enough to penetrate the stone my heart had become. Problem is I was so enmeshed in this community I had no-way out; they’d kill me if I tried to leave, even though to stay meant death as well. Chris who had been waiting for me this whole time, keeping tabs on what I was up to realized I needed help, that I couldn’t leave on my own, he came for me, it cost him a heap, he lost his closest friends who couldn’t believe someone of his position was going to endanger himself for something as worthless as what I’d become, he was insulted for wanting to be with a whore, called all sorts of names by those who before had supported him, the only person who supported him coming for me was his father, who loved me dearly and wanted me safe, why he’d be willing to risk his son for me is something I’ve yet to comprehend. He came to take me back to live with him, it didn’t go down well with those that had me prisoner, the beat him, nearly to death, left him in a bloody pulp, he landed in ICU for 3 days, of course it meant with his powerful connections that they also landed themselves permanent positions in prison.
He came to 3 days later, saying it was worth it to have me with him, adamant that he’d make me happy. Still calling me beautiful even though the life I’d lived had taken its toll. What he sees in me I’ll not understand, whatever beauty I possess is totally from him through the gifts he still continues to shower me with despite my track record.
So where are we at now? I’m slowly healing from my latest ordeal, mainly through being with Chris. I know I owe him my life, that I could spend my life on my knees before him and it wouldn’t be enough. But…..every now and then my old life beckons, calling me to cheap thrills and short highs. But Chris is always there, well when I give him a moment, he’s never been the type to “crowd my space” yet he’s never given up on me either, he’s always been adamant that my joy can only come through him and has gone to great lengths to prove it, but he’s always maintained that I’m free, that whatever cost he’s paid for my rescue and rehab and gifts does not tie me to him that they were freely given and that although there is much more joy, love and gifts if I felt that would be happier elsewhere I was free.