Before i get married to the man God had prepared for me and prepared me for, I thought I’d reminice on a different story, the story of my first love, this one instead of being a bollywood saga, read more like an old adventure/romance knights in shining amour scene.
I'm not sure exactly when I met Chris, he seems to have always been a part of my life in some way, shape or form. I vaguely remember seeing him around the end of my high school years. His friends idolized him; they sang his praises every time I heard from them. His father was some powerful high up person and seemed to run the world. I remember asking for the odd favor here and there through high school, mainly through his friends, I was always impressed that he'd take the time to help out whenever I needed it.
I finally actually recall really getting to know him in the first 3 years of uni, I fell in with people who knew him quite well and soon I was spending quite a bit of my free time with him, talking, complaining, crying etc. He was always there when I needed him, and as much as I could tell he wanted to spend increasing amounts together he was always happy to give me my space, even if he sometimes hated what I was doing. Soon I was in love, and what I couldn't believe was that someone like him actually noticed me let alone was in love with me too, I mean he was some rich, powerful heir, good looking, smart, funny. And for those that know what I was like back then I was a total mess, never looked after myself or my appearance, I never knew(still don't) what he saw in me, but he always complimented me, always told me I was beautiful, perfect, that he was ecstatic to have me in his life. Soon I actually took on those compliments and began to change to suit them; I became more aware of my appearance, my form, what I clothed myself with, I found myself growing to be increasingly like him, quick to help where I was needed, in tune to other’s needs. Given the amount of time I was spending with him I was adopted into his family as a surrogate, his father was amazing, he loved me even more then my own father did and was always there for me. Chris began discussing our future together, his vision for our life was thrilling, and he opened my eyes for to a whole host of possibilities. The life he planned was soooo exciting, filled with change, travel, adventure and most of all love; he was always going to be there with me every step of the way. By no means did he promise a smooth sailing, in fact he took pains to stress the opposite, that life was rough, that we’d have our fair share of troubles, but that we’d pull through together, I mean after all his father could do just about ANYTHING. I was ecstatic.
Then I started my clinical years at uni, the strange hours and constant change meant I was spending less and less time with Chris. I began to have doubts about how I was living, I mean I as young, there was soooo much in life to experience before I committed so totally to Chris, I never actually talked to him about all this but began to pull away slowly. He noticed of course, and I’d get frequent messages to say he missed me, that he wanted me back, that I’d be happy with him, Sometimes it’d be enough to have me running back, and sometimes I’d make up some excuse to continue in my own path, I was determined to make it on my own, to be happy in my own self before I committed to him fully, to achieve success so that I could bring something into the relationship, so I wasn’t so heavily reliant on him for everything.
Problem was the further I got from him the less I was happy, and the more I tried to find my happiness in increasingly uncharacteristic ways. I fell in with the wrong crowd and began dating someone else, when I did run into Chris (not infrequently) he’d always say that he was waiting, that he wouldn’t let me give up on us, that I’d only be happy with him. He was right, I could feel it in my soul, but I’d push it aside and continue on. After each failed attempt with my new love I’d come back, worse for wear, to Chris swearing that’s I’d be true this time, that I was ready to spend life with him regardless of what it held, that if he’d just have me I’d never quit on us again. And surprisingly the guy that didn’t actually need me, wanted me, rejoiced in having me back, restored me every time and gave me back all I’d lost whilst I was away, showered me with gifts, fine clothing, jewelry, paintings, flowers, intimate dates. Like I was worth something, like leaving him over and over never happened.
But I’d always go back to my old ways. I grew increasingly numb to everything, I wasn’t happy but couldn’t bring myself to face Chris, so I pushed on, dating one guy after the next, trying on each guys personality to see if it would fit me trying to MAKE it fit, thinking that if I just FOUND myself id be happy. Some of the guys were great on paper, they should technically have made me happy, but something was always missing, something that I knew I’d only have with Chris, who by that time could only get through to me intermittently and would only have the time to say he loved me, he wanted me back that he could make it all right. Problem is I wanted to make it right myself. I began to date people that I wouldn’t ordinarily even have been friends, lost whatever dignity I had left, soon became someone I’d never thought I’d be. Increasingly unhappy I turned to anything for a rush, sex, drugs etc, you name it. Of course nothing actually provided happiness, no relationship no latest thrill was enough to penetrate the stone my heart had become. Problem is I was so enmeshed in this community I had no-way out; they’d kill me if I tried to leave, even though to stay meant death as well. Chris who had been waiting for me this whole time, keeping tabs on what I was up to realized I needed help, that I couldn’t leave on my own, he came for me, it cost him a heap, he lost his closest friends who couldn’t believe someone of his position was going to endanger himself for something as worthless as what I’d become, he was insulted for wanting to be with a whore, called all sorts of names by those who before had supported him, the only person who supported him coming for me was his father, who loved me dearly and wanted me safe, why he’d be willing to risk his son for me is something I’ve yet to comprehend. He came to take me back to live with him, it didn’t go down well with those that had me prisoner, the beat him, nearly to death, left him in a bloody pulp, he landed in ICU for 3 days, of course it meant with his powerful connections that they also landed themselves permanent positions in prison.
He came to 3 days later, saying it was worth it to have me with him, adamant that he’d make me happy. Still calling me beautiful even though the life I’d lived had taken its toll. What he sees in me I’ll not understand, whatever beauty I possess is totally from him through the gifts he still continues to shower me with despite my track record.
So where are we at now? I’m slowly healing from my latest ordeal, mainly through being with Chris. I know I owe him my life, that I could spend my life on my knees before him and it wouldn’t be enough. But…..every now and then my old life beckons, calling me to cheap thrills and short highs. But Chris is always there, well when I give him a moment, he’s never been the type to “crowd my space” yet he’s never given up on me either, he’s always been adamant that my joy can only come through him and has gone to great lengths to prove it, but he’s always maintained that I’m free, that whatever cost he’s paid for my rescue and rehab and gifts does not tie me to him that they were freely given and that although there is much more joy, love and gifts if I felt that would be happier elsewhere I was free.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Threads, plans, patterns and beauty
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
Decided a few months ago to make a friendship band for a friend’s birthday, unfortunately I couldn’t find the pattern for what I wanted to make ANYWHERE, so I gave up. BUT…. those of who know me and know how much I hate not getting what I set out to achieve, will understand why I couldn’t let it go.
So last week in order to switch my sleep/wake cycle for nights I set about making the pattern and making the band.
Showing the pattern excitedly to friends and colleges it struck me that no one could see the pattern for what it was. I needed to hold it at arms length from everyone so they could make out the pattern that was clearly evident to me. Got me thinking about the pattern God’s planning for my life, how often I can’t see the bigger picture because I’m lost in the detail of now. I can’t see the woods for the trees as they say. His plan is so clearly evident to him because he designed it, it doesn’t need to be evident to me now, cause one day I’ll be able to hold it at arms length and see it for what it really is.
With that thought on my mind I set about making the pattern, I saw the whole process a lot differently, looking at the threads had no idea of the greater picture, they could not perceive their role in the design/plan/pattern that I had made, the threads were sometimes up sometimes down sometimes went forward, backwards, were obscured by different threads, often came full circle to where they’d originally started only to repeat the process again. The treads only requirement was to be faithful to the way I placed them, to remain on top when the pattern called for it and to be put down when the pattern called for it, the thread required no understanding of the overall pattern, required no vision of their role in the bigger picture. But ultimately the pattern was a thing of beauty, a creation of my hands that I rejoiced in, that I took pride in, that when it all came together showed a purpose to the seemingly random movements of threads, that reflected my abilities.
I am that thread, unsure where exactly I’m being placed, why I’m being placed there and what the next step will be. But my role is to be faithful to where I’m placed, to trust that the creator of the pattern of the whole universe is planning a thing of beauty, something that reflects his glory, that is more then I could have imagined, better then I could have hoped, beyond my wildest dreams.
Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. - 1 Corinthians 2:9
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, - Ephesians 3:20
Something that when’s all’s said and done He looks on with joy, and pride and say as he did on the first day that “it is good”. Just like I moved the threads it is only through His power that I can do anything, that I may shine like the colors in my band did, only through “being still and knowing He is God” may I be part of the intricate plan he has designed for me, for my life as it play out, as it intertwines with other lives.
May the last day see him look on me with joy and say “this is my beloved in whom I am well pleased, enter into the joy of your master” Pray that I be faithful to the pattern he is planning without resistance, without the need to see the bigger picture which only He sees
By the way – this is the pattern
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The present is where time touches eternity
At a friends behest I watched eternal sunshine of a spotless mind the other day. Being neither a fan of “artsy” movies nor a fan of Jim Carey I didn’t expect much. One particular scene in the movie stuck with me though…..it’s the scene where Jim Carey, trying to hide his girlfriend from being “erased” takes her back to a memory he has of his childhood before she was even in his life, and of course that memory is then erased. I began to think if it was even possible to “wipe” someone from your life that meant something to you without having to wipe the whole mind.
Anyone who’s been in serious relationship will understand what I mean, that the relationship although in the present somehow reaches back in time to affect the past, so that your memories of things like childhood are tied into the present, tied in with the experience of sharing that memory. That relationship takes the edge of bad memories and multiplies the joy of good ones…..even when the memory took place before the relationship. That a relationship can in some senses exist outside time, that it goes back in time and affects your perception of the past, it moulds your vision of the future.
I was then re-reading C.S Lewis’ “The Great Divorce” (highly recommended to anyone who hasn’t read it). When I ran across this passage:
You cannot in your present state understand eternity: when Anodos looked through the door of the Timeless he bought no message back. But you can get some likeness of it if you say that both good and evil when they are full grown, become retrospective. Not only this valley but all their earthly past will have been Heaven to those who are saved, Not only the twilight in that town, but all their life on Earth too, will then be seen by the damned to have been Hell. That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering “No future bliss can make up for it,” not knowing that Heaven once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say “Let me have this and I’ll take the consequences”: little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man’s past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man’s past conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the blessed will say “we have never lived anywhere except in heaven,” and the Lost, “We were always in Hell.” And both will speak truly.
I love the fact that heaven will turn “what seemed, when I entered it to be the vale of misery” when I look back “to have been a well; and where present experience sees only salt deserts, memory truthfully recalls that the pools were full of water” That one day I’ll see clearly “face to face” that I will see all my present experiences in the light of His grace. That His relationship with me will reach back in time to me past, to my present to the experiences I will have in the future so that when I see Him and see my life through his eyes I will see his hand through it all. That like in “footprints” I will not look back and see my struggle but rather Him carrying me through it, not my wounds but His tender healing, not my plans gone awry but His plans coming to fruition. May I come to see the day where I see my beloved face to face and He wipes away every tear from my eyes, not just in the present, but by enlighting me to his presence in my past.
Anyone who’s been in serious relationship will understand what I mean, that the relationship although in the present somehow reaches back in time to affect the past, so that your memories of things like childhood are tied into the present, tied in with the experience of sharing that memory. That relationship takes the edge of bad memories and multiplies the joy of good ones…..even when the memory took place before the relationship. That a relationship can in some senses exist outside time, that it goes back in time and affects your perception of the past, it moulds your vision of the future.
I was then re-reading C.S Lewis’ “The Great Divorce” (highly recommended to anyone who hasn’t read it). When I ran across this passage:
You cannot in your present state understand eternity: when Anodos looked through the door of the Timeless he bought no message back. But you can get some likeness of it if you say that both good and evil when they are full grown, become retrospective. Not only this valley but all their earthly past will have been Heaven to those who are saved, Not only the twilight in that town, but all their life on Earth too, will then be seen by the damned to have been Hell. That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering “No future bliss can make up for it,” not knowing that Heaven once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say “Let me have this and I’ll take the consequences”: little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man’s past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man’s past conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the blessed will say “we have never lived anywhere except in heaven,” and the Lost, “We were always in Hell.” And both will speak truly.
I love the fact that heaven will turn “what seemed, when I entered it to be the vale of misery” when I look back “to have been a well; and where present experience sees only salt deserts, memory truthfully recalls that the pools were full of water” That one day I’ll see clearly “face to face” that I will see all my present experiences in the light of His grace. That His relationship with me will reach back in time to me past, to my present to the experiences I will have in the future so that when I see Him and see my life through his eyes I will see his hand through it all. That like in “footprints” I will not look back and see my struggle but rather Him carrying me through it, not my wounds but His tender healing, not my plans gone awry but His plans coming to fruition. May I come to see the day where I see my beloved face to face and He wipes away every tear from my eyes, not just in the present, but by enlighting me to his presence in my past.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
That which yields is not always weak.
Someone told me they miss my blog posts the other day, I didn’t realize anyone was “listening”. But it motivated me to do another one.
Anyways, I read this quote the other day, really stuck with me, reminded me about something I’d read in one of my fantasy novels. There was a woman talking about the differences in male strength and female strengths, she said that male strength is the strength of steel, it holds and holds and holds but eventually it snaps, shatters. Female strength is that of a young plant, that whilst it cannot hold, it endures, it is malleable it withstands pressure even steel cannot because it bends to pressure, allows itself to be pushed down, humiliated, but in the end, it endures beyond that pressure; it lasts.
Been thinking a lot about yielding to God’s will and ultimately to yield to His will means discerning what it is, for even Satan masquerades as an angel of light. Elisabeth Elliot counsels single people to accept God’s will for their life graciously that for those inclined to have a relationship not to resent their current lives.
“The important thing is to receive this moment’s experience with both hands. Don’t waste it. ‘Wherever you are, be all there,’ Jim once wrote. ‘Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.’
A lovely moonlit night, but I am alone. Shall I resent the very moonlight itself because my lover is somewhere else?
A cozy candlelight supper with friends – couples, except for me. Shall I be miserable all evening because they are together and I am single? Have I been “cheated”? Who cheated me?
The phone rings. Oh! Maybe it will be He! It’s somebody selling light bulbs. Shall I be rude because he ought to have been someone else?
A letter in the mailbox that (for once) doesn’t look like junk mail or a bill. I snatch it eagerly. It’s from Aunt Susie. Do I throw it away in disgust?
I know al about this kind of response. I’ve been there many times. Something I wrote to Jim once must have revealed me resentment for he wrote, “Let not out longing slay the appetite of our living.” That was exactly what I had let it do.
There were times, I’m sure, when if anyone had tried to talk to me about the happiness of heaven I would have turned away in a huff. The painful thing was that other folks not only had heaven to look forward to, but they had “all this and heaven too,” “this” this being engagement or marriage. I was covetous. When the Apostle Paul wrote to the Roman Christians about the happy certianity of heaven, he went on to say, “This doesn’t mean, of course, that we have only a hope of future joys – we can be full of joy, here and now even in our trials and troubles.”
Even when I’m feeling most alone – on that moonlit night, in the middle of the candlelit supper, when the phone call and letter don’t come – can I be be “full of joy here and now”? Yes. That is what the bible says. That means it must be not only true, but possible and possible for me.
“Taken in the right spirit these very things will give us patient endurance; this in turn will develop a mature character, and a character of the sort prodces a steady hope, a hope that will never disappoint us”
Taken in the right spirit. These are the operative words. The empty chair, the empty mail box the wrong voice on the phone have no particular magic in themselves that will make a mature character out of a lonely man or woman. They will never produce a steady hope. Not at all. The effect of my troubles depends not on the nature of the troubles themselves but on how I receive them. I can receive them with both hands in faith and acceptance, or I can rebel and reject. What they produce if I rebel and reject will be something very different from a mature character, something nobody is going to like.
Look at the choices:
1. rebellion – if this is the will of God for me then He doesn’t love me.
2. rejection – if this is what God is giving me, I won’t have any part of it.
3. faith – God knows exactly what he’s doing
4. acceptance – He loves me; He plans good things for me; I’ll take it.
The words “full of joy here and now” depend on the words “taken in the right spirit”. You can’t have one without the other, Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope.
My life currently is turning out much different to what I had dreamt of, hoped, prayed, planned, and prepared for. God is trying to bless me in His away and I instead of yielding to the change He is bringing about and like the young plant bending to adapt to that change so that I may grow in him, I have preferred to be the steel, obstructive to the soft breeze of change that He sends. Becoming increasingly resentful of all that is good in my life, increasingly envious of those who have what I wanted, unable to bless those around me because I cannot get past the idol I have created.
I read somewhere that “The evil in our desires typically does not lie in what we want but that we want it too much” this is very true of me. My desire has been something praiseworthy, “above reproach” holy even, until became a substitute God in my life and I rebel against God when I’m not given it, becoming ungracious to those around me, increasingly self centered and resenting even the path that led me to this desire.
To quote Joshua harris:
He closed the door on this and he had done it for my own good. The God of the universe was willing to reach down and be involved in the details of my life .
Too bad I haven’t learnt to do what Joshua Harris did
crying I thanked him
“I don’t understand but I thank you”
“I don’t understand but I know your are good”
“I don’t understand but I know you are taking this away because you have something better.
For those that pray, pray that I find the strength to yield, and to yield in joy and happiness knowing “no eye has seen nor ear has heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him”.
Anyways, I read this quote the other day, really stuck with me, reminded me about something I’d read in one of my fantasy novels. There was a woman talking about the differences in male strength and female strengths, she said that male strength is the strength of steel, it holds and holds and holds but eventually it snaps, shatters. Female strength is that of a young plant, that whilst it cannot hold, it endures, it is malleable it withstands pressure even steel cannot because it bends to pressure, allows itself to be pushed down, humiliated, but in the end, it endures beyond that pressure; it lasts.
Been thinking a lot about yielding to God’s will and ultimately to yield to His will means discerning what it is, for even Satan masquerades as an angel of light. Elisabeth Elliot counsels single people to accept God’s will for their life graciously that for those inclined to have a relationship not to resent their current lives.
“The important thing is to receive this moment’s experience with both hands. Don’t waste it. ‘Wherever you are, be all there,’ Jim once wrote. ‘Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.’
A lovely moonlit night, but I am alone. Shall I resent the very moonlight itself because my lover is somewhere else?
A cozy candlelight supper with friends – couples, except for me. Shall I be miserable all evening because they are together and I am single? Have I been “cheated”? Who cheated me?
The phone rings. Oh! Maybe it will be He! It’s somebody selling light bulbs. Shall I be rude because he ought to have been someone else?
A letter in the mailbox that (for once) doesn’t look like junk mail or a bill. I snatch it eagerly. It’s from Aunt Susie. Do I throw it away in disgust?
I know al about this kind of response. I’ve been there many times. Something I wrote to Jim once must have revealed me resentment for he wrote, “Let not out longing slay the appetite of our living.” That was exactly what I had let it do.
There were times, I’m sure, when if anyone had tried to talk to me about the happiness of heaven I would have turned away in a huff. The painful thing was that other folks not only had heaven to look forward to, but they had “all this and heaven too,” “this” this being engagement or marriage. I was covetous. When the Apostle Paul wrote to the Roman Christians about the happy certianity of heaven, he went on to say, “This doesn’t mean, of course, that we have only a hope of future joys – we can be full of joy, here and now even in our trials and troubles.”
Even when I’m feeling most alone – on that moonlit night, in the middle of the candlelit supper, when the phone call and letter don’t come – can I be be “full of joy here and now”? Yes. That is what the bible says. That means it must be not only true, but possible and possible for me.
“Taken in the right spirit these very things will give us patient endurance; this in turn will develop a mature character, and a character of the sort prodces a steady hope, a hope that will never disappoint us”
Taken in the right spirit. These are the operative words. The empty chair, the empty mail box the wrong voice on the phone have no particular magic in themselves that will make a mature character out of a lonely man or woman. They will never produce a steady hope. Not at all. The effect of my troubles depends not on the nature of the troubles themselves but on how I receive them. I can receive them with both hands in faith and acceptance, or I can rebel and reject. What they produce if I rebel and reject will be something very different from a mature character, something nobody is going to like.
Look at the choices:
1. rebellion – if this is the will of God for me then He doesn’t love me.
2. rejection – if this is what God is giving me, I won’t have any part of it.
3. faith – God knows exactly what he’s doing
4. acceptance – He loves me; He plans good things for me; I’ll take it.
The words “full of joy here and now” depend on the words “taken in the right spirit”. You can’t have one without the other, Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope.
My life currently is turning out much different to what I had dreamt of, hoped, prayed, planned, and prepared for. God is trying to bless me in His away and I instead of yielding to the change He is bringing about and like the young plant bending to adapt to that change so that I may grow in him, I have preferred to be the steel, obstructive to the soft breeze of change that He sends. Becoming increasingly resentful of all that is good in my life, increasingly envious of those who have what I wanted, unable to bless those around me because I cannot get past the idol I have created.
I read somewhere that “The evil in our desires typically does not lie in what we want but that we want it too much” this is very true of me. My desire has been something praiseworthy, “above reproach” holy even, until became a substitute God in my life and I rebel against God when I’m not given it, becoming ungracious to those around me, increasingly self centered and resenting even the path that led me to this desire.
To quote Joshua harris:
He closed the door on this and he had done it for my own good. The God of the universe was willing to reach down and be involved in the details of my life .
Too bad I haven’t learnt to do what Joshua Harris did
crying I thanked him
“I don’t understand but I thank you”
“I don’t understand but I know your are good”
“I don’t understand but I know you are taking this away because you have something better.
For those that pray, pray that I find the strength to yield, and to yield in joy and happiness knowing “no eye has seen nor ear has heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him”.
Friday, March 27, 2009
HOME!
"Maybe surrounded by a million people I still feel all alone, just wanna go home" - Michael Buble
I was struck today by the intense longing i have to go back home. I'll be going back home in 5 days for 2 weeks, and as the time draws closer my anticipation of being back amongst the people I know and love, the ones who love me. I’m literally ACHING to get back home; I feel restless and out of place away from my usual routine, my family and friends. I feel like my life is based there and knowing I’m only here temporarily leaves me with no desire to lay any roots here. I haven’t made any effort to cultivate friendships, activities etc cause I know I’ll soon be where I have real friends, to resume activities I love and enjoy.
It’s the same longing I’m called to develop in relation to my hearts to true home. There’s a reason Christians have always thought of the resurrection as a “coming home”. It’s meant to feel the same as how I feel about going to Melbourne from Dunedin. I’m meant to approach the whole world as I do Dunedin. My true home, where my life is based is not on earth at all, those that love me are not here. I should approach the idea of laying roots the same way; that it is only temporary that I’ll soon be where I have real love, where I can resume activities (i.e. worship) that fill me with joy and gladness, that make my soul sings.
Only problem I can only develop that mind frame if I truly make my base heaven and not here, if I cultivate relationships with those that love me up there. That I should develop an interest and a passion for the activities I will be doing there. If I know no-one up there, I’ve never loved doing the activities carried out there, how can I expect to be excited about “coming home” it wont be a home coming, it’ll be an exile!
I was struck by how often I said “back home” in everyday conversations here. I must mention Melbourne or back home at least once in every conversation I have! Everything is compared and contrasted with my life in Melbourne. I wish I had that same fervor for my heavenly home, that I constantly talked about it, that I compared everything I did to my life there, that I awaited it as eagerly as I await going to Melbourne. *sigh* I’m a long way from that, I barely know my family there, I don’t have a relationship with most of them.
‘For the Christians are distinguished from other men neither by country, nor language, nor the customs which they observe. They dwell in their own countries, but simply as sojourners. As citizens, they share in all things with others, and yet endure all things as if foreigners. Every foreign land is to them as their native country, and every land of their birth as a land of strangers. They pass their days on earth, but they are citizens of heaven. They obey the prescribed laws, and at the same time surpass the laws by their lives” – St Clement of Rome (epistle to Diognetus Chapter 5)
“It’ll all be alright, I’ll be home tonight, I’m coming back home” – micheal buble - I hope when the time comes mine will truly be a home coming
I was struck today by the intense longing i have to go back home. I'll be going back home in 5 days for 2 weeks, and as the time draws closer my anticipation of being back amongst the people I know and love, the ones who love me. I’m literally ACHING to get back home; I feel restless and out of place away from my usual routine, my family and friends. I feel like my life is based there and knowing I’m only here temporarily leaves me with no desire to lay any roots here. I haven’t made any effort to cultivate friendships, activities etc cause I know I’ll soon be where I have real friends, to resume activities I love and enjoy.
It’s the same longing I’m called to develop in relation to my hearts to true home. There’s a reason Christians have always thought of the resurrection as a “coming home”. It’s meant to feel the same as how I feel about going to Melbourne from Dunedin. I’m meant to approach the whole world as I do Dunedin. My true home, where my life is based is not on earth at all, those that love me are not here. I should approach the idea of laying roots the same way; that it is only temporary that I’ll soon be where I have real love, where I can resume activities (i.e. worship) that fill me with joy and gladness, that make my soul sings.
Only problem I can only develop that mind frame if I truly make my base heaven and not here, if I cultivate relationships with those that love me up there. That I should develop an interest and a passion for the activities I will be doing there. If I know no-one up there, I’ve never loved doing the activities carried out there, how can I expect to be excited about “coming home” it wont be a home coming, it’ll be an exile!
I was struck by how often I said “back home” in everyday conversations here. I must mention Melbourne or back home at least once in every conversation I have! Everything is compared and contrasted with my life in Melbourne. I wish I had that same fervor for my heavenly home, that I constantly talked about it, that I compared everything I did to my life there, that I awaited it as eagerly as I await going to Melbourne. *sigh* I’m a long way from that, I barely know my family there, I don’t have a relationship with most of them.
‘For the Christians are distinguished from other men neither by country, nor language, nor the customs which they observe. They dwell in their own countries, but simply as sojourners. As citizens, they share in all things with others, and yet endure all things as if foreigners. Every foreign land is to them as their native country, and every land of their birth as a land of strangers. They pass their days on earth, but they are citizens of heaven. They obey the prescribed laws, and at the same time surpass the laws by their lives” – St Clement of Rome (epistle to Diognetus Chapter 5)
“It’ll all be alright, I’ll be home tonight, I’m coming back home” – micheal buble - I hope when the time comes mine will truly be a home coming
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Moons, Suns, Glory, Beauty
I skipped the salsa social night last night to attend a special vespers/youth meeting given by all 3 NZ clergy. Basically topic was on being the “light of the world” this topic, in combination with a recent comment I made on a friend’s photo of the moon and reading snippets from John Elderedge’s books “captivating” and “the sacred romance” had be thinking about Beauty and Reflected Glory.
The following is a random collection of these thoughts
I love that in most eastern cultures refer to beautiful women as the moon, it fits in so well with where a person’s true beauty lies. The moon in and of itself is dark, barren, incapable of providing any light in and of itself, it has no inherent beauty, but it is designed to be not only beautiful but breathtakingly glorious in its beauty. The moon reflects the power and the glory of the sun, allowing everyone who could never look directly at the sun to bask in its light. It is through the sun’s light that the moon is given its beauty. I found it interesting that when the world (earth) gets between the moon and the sun you get a lunar eclipse, the beauty of the moon is darkened.
Looking at my friends picture it struck me how much I love looking at full moon, how much I long to reveal that measure of beauty. Isn’t that ultimately what all girls look for, to be thought of as beautiful, perfect, without blemish?? Isn’t that why the cosmetics industry is so successful?? And isn’t that what God provides? He takes us, who after the fall are barren, whose beauty is marred, disfigured by sin (notice that the surface of the moon is not smooth, but full of craters, scarred but it’s barrenness) and through his light gives us beauty, brings out our essence, what we were created for, to SHINE, to have the world stop in awe of the beauty we are given through reflecting the glory of God. He takes us, who like Cinderella were covered in the filth and muck of cinders and ashes, a result of a life led serving evil, a life in bondage to evil (they weren’t the evil step sisters for nothing)and offers us a different life, presents us to himself, glorious, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. Eph 5:27,
Ezekiel 16 explains it perfectly On the day you were born your navel cord was not cut, nor were you washed in water to cleanse you; you were not rubbed with salt nor wrapped in swaddling cloths. No eye pitied you, to do any of these things for you, to have compassion on you; but you were thrown out into the open field, when you yourself were loathed on the day you were born.And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you thrive like a plant in the field; and you grew, matured, and became very beautiful. Your breasts were formed, your hair grew, but you were naked and bare. “When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord GOD. “Then I washed you in water; yes, I thoroughly washed off your blood, and I anointed you with oil. I clothed you in embroidered cloth and gave you sandals of badger skin; I clothed you with fine linen and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your wrists, and a chain on your neck. And I put a jewel in your nose, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth. You ate pastry of fine flour, honey, and oil. You were exceedingly beautiful, and succeeded to royalty. Your fame went out among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through My splendor which I had bestowed on you,” says the Lord GOD.
My beauty can only come through being bestowed, isn’t that what every female jumping from relationship to relationship is after, someone to bestow her beauty to her? To make her feel desired, to feel like royalty? To bad we all go on to do what the woman in this passage does (read the rest of Ezekiel 16 to understand)
I’m going to continue looking at the moon, hoping that my Beloved bestows the same glorious beauty to me that my reflection of his glory fits his description of “my love my dove my perfect one” that on the wedding feast of the lamb my beauty may be “perfect through His splendor” that my adornments that he adorns me with are still intact that my clothing of fine silk and embroidered cloth (reminds me of my saris) have not been dirtied and stained. That I haven’t let the world come between me and the Sun of Righteousness so that like the lunar eclipse I am darkened and invisible, but rather that I have turned my face completely to him that I may be like the full moon, bathed in His light and captivatingly beautiful.
For anyone reading this the books to read are “captivating”, “sacred romance” by john elderedge. And the books of the bible “jer 2, ezk 16, hos 2 and of course song of Solomon.
Here’s the picture my friend took BTW (posted with permission)
The following is a random collection of these thoughts
I love that in most eastern cultures refer to beautiful women as the moon, it fits in so well with where a person’s true beauty lies. The moon in and of itself is dark, barren, incapable of providing any light in and of itself, it has no inherent beauty, but it is designed to be not only beautiful but breathtakingly glorious in its beauty. The moon reflects the power and the glory of the sun, allowing everyone who could never look directly at the sun to bask in its light. It is through the sun’s light that the moon is given its beauty. I found it interesting that when the world (earth) gets between the moon and the sun you get a lunar eclipse, the beauty of the moon is darkened.
Looking at my friends picture it struck me how much I love looking at full moon, how much I long to reveal that measure of beauty. Isn’t that ultimately what all girls look for, to be thought of as beautiful, perfect, without blemish?? Isn’t that why the cosmetics industry is so successful?? And isn’t that what God provides? He takes us, who after the fall are barren, whose beauty is marred, disfigured by sin (notice that the surface of the moon is not smooth, but full of craters, scarred but it’s barrenness) and through his light gives us beauty, brings out our essence, what we were created for, to SHINE, to have the world stop in awe of the beauty we are given through reflecting the glory of God. He takes us, who like Cinderella were covered in the filth and muck of cinders and ashes, a result of a life led serving evil, a life in bondage to evil (they weren’t the evil step sisters for nothing)and offers us a different life, presents us to himself, glorious, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. Eph 5:27,
Ezekiel 16 explains it perfectly On the day you were born your navel cord was not cut, nor were you washed in water to cleanse you; you were not rubbed with salt nor wrapped in swaddling cloths. No eye pitied you, to do any of these things for you, to have compassion on you; but you were thrown out into the open field, when you yourself were loathed on the day you were born.And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you thrive like a plant in the field; and you grew, matured, and became very beautiful. Your breasts were formed, your hair grew, but you were naked and bare. “When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord GOD. “Then I washed you in water; yes, I thoroughly washed off your blood, and I anointed you with oil. I clothed you in embroidered cloth and gave you sandals of badger skin; I clothed you with fine linen and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your wrists, and a chain on your neck. And I put a jewel in your nose, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth. You ate pastry of fine flour, honey, and oil. You were exceedingly beautiful, and succeeded to royalty. Your fame went out among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through My splendor which I had bestowed on you,” says the Lord GOD.
My beauty can only come through being bestowed, isn’t that what every female jumping from relationship to relationship is after, someone to bestow her beauty to her? To make her feel desired, to feel like royalty? To bad we all go on to do what the woman in this passage does (read the rest of Ezekiel 16 to understand)
I’m going to continue looking at the moon, hoping that my Beloved bestows the same glorious beauty to me that my reflection of his glory fits his description of “my love my dove my perfect one” that on the wedding feast of the lamb my beauty may be “perfect through His splendor” that my adornments that he adorns me with are still intact that my clothing of fine silk and embroidered cloth (reminds me of my saris) have not been dirtied and stained. That I haven’t let the world come between me and the Sun of Righteousness so that like the lunar eclipse I am darkened and invisible, but rather that I have turned my face completely to him that I may be like the full moon, bathed in His light and captivatingly beautiful.
For anyone reading this the books to read are “captivating”, “sacred romance” by john elderedge. And the books of the bible “jer 2, ezk 16, hos 2 and of course song of Solomon.
Here’s the picture my friend took BTW (posted with permission)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Belonging, Trust, Following, Personal Space and dips!
So i had a salsa class the other night, the last one of beginners 1 (beginners 2 starts next week) and almost as an add-on the instructor decided to teach us a dip.
Yours truly of course has major trust issues and even bigger personal space issues. This reminded me too much of those silly trust games you do in high school where you fall back and the person has to catch you, I couldn't do those games and always stepped back rather then fall. It also required too much of an invasion of personal space to be done correctly. The two combined meant that every time we tried a dip (regardless of which partner I was dancing with) I stiffened, pulled back, stepped back and rather then dip straight I ended up arching my back meaning it was awkward for the guy, painful for my back and generally a disaster to watch. I got home and proceeded to get my brother to try dipping me, and voila!! It actually worked! Got me thinking that perhaps I need to trust someone implicitly in order to allow them into my personal space. Wondered a lot about my refusing to let God get into "my personal space" to work on the things that I refuse to let go of, such old wounds, hurts, favorite sins, my hard outer shell that I put in to so much effort to maintain so that I can alienate all those that attempt to penetrate it. I wonder if I’m refusing him access to this personal space because I don't trust him, because I don't know him. The guys in the class said that the dips will get easier as I get to know the classmates as I trust them more.......I wonder if my lack of faith is due to my not knowing HIM well enough that I haven’t spent enough time “dancing” with him to trust him to lead, to know his intentions are good to really believe that the plans he had for me are “plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to bring me a hope and a future” *sigh*…………kind of fits really well with him saying to me “oh ye of little faith why did you doubt” I kind of feel Him saying that every time things work out for the best despite me stepping back, stiffening resisting arching my back and causing myself much un-required pain, when He says it he’s laughing telling me to trust. I’m kind of afraid that one day He’ll say it when it’s too late with tears in his eyes.
Friday night was a weekly social night, had a blast dancing the night away, amazed at the difference it makes when the guy knows how to lead well and knows what he’s doing makes, it really made me feel like I was dancing……I’ve spoken before about leadership so I’m not going to do it again
Had a really interesting discussion with one of my registrars about belonging though, he’s from Zimbabwe and was saying that the worst thing that could happen to him was for him to die outside his homeland, he wanted to go with “African soil in his hands”, his attachment to a country/continent really captivated me as I’ve never felt even remotely attached to any place. He said that one has to have a sense of “belonging” somewhere, that it should apply to a place, he said that surely I feel like that about Melbourne, I said I felt Melbourne was home cause that’s where my family and friends were, but if they were on the moon I’d feel attached to the moon. I wonder if as Christians we’re meant to feel that kind of attachment to our heavenly kingdom that despite being miles away we still yearn for it, still feel it flowing in our blood, like this guy described Africa flowing in his blood. It was a really enlightening discussion
Fri night was the Ash Cash Bash for the doctors………anyone who is under the impression that they are a respectable bunch is encouraged to attend these functions, I stuck my head in after salsa just to say hi so I wasn’t completely anti-social, by that stage everyone was totally drunk, the couple of girls I knew proceeded to stumble over and proclaim my presence at the top of their lungs, the place was loud, so you needed to lean in to hear anyone, at the risk of them falling all over you, it was dark and everyone was in costume so you could barely recognize anyone. I left pretty quickly wondering what the point of it all was. Was the only way these people could connect with one another on any significant level was to get so drunk as to be come totally disinhibited? I became so glad for my friends who aren’t like that, who know how to connect with each other without alcohol. The whole thing was so bizarre to me despite having seen it before. Anyways live and learn
Yours truly of course has major trust issues and even bigger personal space issues. This reminded me too much of those silly trust games you do in high school where you fall back and the person has to catch you, I couldn't do those games and always stepped back rather then fall. It also required too much of an invasion of personal space to be done correctly. The two combined meant that every time we tried a dip (regardless of which partner I was dancing with) I stiffened, pulled back, stepped back and rather then dip straight I ended up arching my back meaning it was awkward for the guy, painful for my back and generally a disaster to watch. I got home and proceeded to get my brother to try dipping me, and voila!! It actually worked! Got me thinking that perhaps I need to trust someone implicitly in order to allow them into my personal space. Wondered a lot about my refusing to let God get into "my personal space" to work on the things that I refuse to let go of, such old wounds, hurts, favorite sins, my hard outer shell that I put in to so much effort to maintain so that I can alienate all those that attempt to penetrate it. I wonder if I’m refusing him access to this personal space because I don't trust him, because I don't know him. The guys in the class said that the dips will get easier as I get to know the classmates as I trust them more.......I wonder if my lack of faith is due to my not knowing HIM well enough that I haven’t spent enough time “dancing” with him to trust him to lead, to know his intentions are good to really believe that the plans he had for me are “plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to bring me a hope and a future” *sigh*…………kind of fits really well with him saying to me “oh ye of little faith why did you doubt” I kind of feel Him saying that every time things work out for the best despite me stepping back, stiffening resisting arching my back and causing myself much un-required pain, when He says it he’s laughing telling me to trust. I’m kind of afraid that one day He’ll say it when it’s too late with tears in his eyes.
Friday night was a weekly social night, had a blast dancing the night away, amazed at the difference it makes when the guy knows how to lead well and knows what he’s doing makes, it really made me feel like I was dancing……I’ve spoken before about leadership so I’m not going to do it again
Had a really interesting discussion with one of my registrars about belonging though, he’s from Zimbabwe and was saying that the worst thing that could happen to him was for him to die outside his homeland, he wanted to go with “African soil in his hands”, his attachment to a country/continent really captivated me as I’ve never felt even remotely attached to any place. He said that one has to have a sense of “belonging” somewhere, that it should apply to a place, he said that surely I feel like that about Melbourne, I said I felt Melbourne was home cause that’s where my family and friends were, but if they were on the moon I’d feel attached to the moon. I wonder if as Christians we’re meant to feel that kind of attachment to our heavenly kingdom that despite being miles away we still yearn for it, still feel it flowing in our blood, like this guy described Africa flowing in his blood. It was a really enlightening discussion
Fri night was the Ash Cash Bash for the doctors………anyone who is under the impression that they are a respectable bunch is encouraged to attend these functions, I stuck my head in after salsa just to say hi so I wasn’t completely anti-social, by that stage everyone was totally drunk, the couple of girls I knew proceeded to stumble over and proclaim my presence at the top of their lungs, the place was loud, so you needed to lean in to hear anyone, at the risk of them falling all over you, it was dark and everyone was in costume so you could barely recognize anyone. I left pretty quickly wondering what the point of it all was. Was the only way these people could connect with one another on any significant level was to get so drunk as to be come totally disinhibited? I became so glad for my friends who aren’t like that, who know how to connect with each other without alcohol. The whole thing was so bizarre to me despite having seen it before. Anyways live and learn
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